Before I get started, know that you can watch the video above or read the post; they’re basically the same. I know some people enjoy videos and others prefer to read so that they can ingest information at their own pace, so it’s your choice!
In my previous blog post, I wrote honestly about how angry I was feeling — at life, at everything. I was also feeling lost. There are many amazing people sharing wonderful insights about self-growth and how to find peace with the ups and downs of life, but there’s always something missing for me: There’s no real discussion about the physical, emotional and mental transition from an ego state to one of equanimity. So, that’s what I want to offer here. I decided it was time to go all-in; just let my anger be and learn from it, and I learned a lot! I discovered how anger shows up within me, how I’ve habitually dealt with it, and how I can better move through it going forward.
Feeling into anger
When I first jumped in, I was sitting in (on?) a Zoom meeting for work, and I immediately noticed the physical tension in my jaw; the grimace in my eyebrows, mouth and nose; the tightness in my throat and chest; and my shallow breathing.
I felt a surge — like a bolt of energy — of anger, fear and anxiety in my chest, my heart area, when someone raised oppositions to my own thoughts and opinions.
After some time, I realized how frazzled, frayed and tired I was from being in this state for a half hour or so.
It started feeling like heartburn.
Peering into anger
At one point during this meeting, I wanted to speak my truth. Despite expressing myself kindly and in a non-confrontational way, I recognized fearful, anxious thoughts (along with the physical sensations of heat throughout my body and a racing heart). Would it be ill-received or shot down? What if what I wanted or needed wouldn’t be met? Would I not have control over this situation?
Then, a window of clarity: By simply, wholeheartedly setting this intention of going into, feeling into my anger, I found myself in a somewhat suspended space. I saw that I did not have to immediately pounce on someone’s words.
It was incredibly hard not to speak up at this moment, when I felt the urge to defend or offer an opinion. But, that very brief span of time was beneficial in that I heard other perspectives that contributed to, changed or opened up my own perception. I also had the chance to gather my thoughts and separate my words from my emotion, even though I was still feeling some of the physical manifestations of the anger. Plus, I could always share my thoughts after everyone else. Just because I may not be able to speak up in the moment I want to, it doesn’t mean I won’t have the opportunity at all. In fact, it turns out that it’s better if I wait when I feel the urge to jump in.
A fixed state is a mirage of the ego
Do you notice that when you’re having a bad day, you just feel like you’re angry every second? That’s a mirage, a trick of the ego.
A little later in my anger experiment, I was still feeling a bit on edge. But, by being more in tune with my emotional state, I was able to respond steadily when my son had a meltdown. I could separate from and not take on his anger and pain. I think I even briefly forgot my own anger as I dealt with his! Side note: Historically, as a highly sensitive person, it’s a natural desire for me to want to take away others’ suffering, to fix it and make it all better. In that moment, I understood I couldn’t do that for my son. All I could do was support him, be firm if necessary and give him time to cool off. I can’t infuse calm and happiness into him, or anyone else, but I can guide him through difficult times and know that he’ll be OK. Also, if I could fix everything for him, what would that teach him? How would it serve him later in his life if he had to rely on me or someone else to manage his emotions?
Moving on: At another point, I felt that familiar surge of anger, along with sadness this time, when my husband made an optimistic comment about the thing fueling my anger. This time, though, I didn’t respond with pessimism about the situation or myself. It soon passed, and my attention was pulled to yet another meeting. While it wasn’t fun (the anger or my meeting), I also did not continue to follow or get mired in the emotion.
Then, it got more interesting. I was surprised by how the anger was more like waves throughout the day, and not fixed or constant as I had previously believed it to be. Before, I was only noticing the moments of anger, because it’s a heightened energy state that demands attention. Then I would generalize that to everything else. This day, I witnessed that at times the anger was really high and uncomfortable, other times it was low and just hanging around, and sometimes it wasn’t there at all.
I remember thinking, “Wait, this is it? The world isn’t ending?”
Anger to a different degree
Later in the afternoon, anger simmered into a kind of resentment when it was time to do a workout. My inner child moped and mumbled about it, but I just let that be without argument and kept going; and I felt good when I was done! Those feel-good workout hormones kicked in. Toward the end of my workout, my daughter came home after swimming in a friend’s pool and was sad that she had to leave. Instead of being wrapped up in my own stuff, I was genuinely able to give her a hug and say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling sad; I know it’s hard to leave when you’re having fun.” When she got up to go, I told her I loved her. A small but purely happy smile lit up her face, and my heart, and she was back to her old, happy self again.
Then, irritability barged in, which I think of as being in the same family as anger, or maybe just a different degree of it. I felt irritable when my husband wanted to chat while I had soooo much to do in such a short amount of time. I do think that this is related to being an HSP; I don’t ever want to let anyone down or risk making a mistake, so I feel I have to get everything done right now. In this moment, I considered that maybe instead of getting irritated, I can tell him that I would love to chat (and I would) but I just need to get a few things done first. Or, perhaps I can ask myself if I really need to get it all done now. Most likely, no. Also, obviously, that’s not possible (emotions often aren’t rational).
This anger and irritability fizzled out by the evening, and I was feeling more neutral. I thought, maybe if I can keep up this practice, my anger will subside faster, or maybe I’ll eventually be able to see it and let it go before it wreaks havoc in my life. The important takeaways for me were that even if I didn’t feel good, I still had some space to not react and fan my anger. I saw it ebb and flow; it was not constant.
The world is not ending
Through this practice, I saw that my anger and the resistance that came with it were worse in my head than in reality — and isn’t that usually the case for us worriers?
Also, if you’re a natural thinker like me (i.e., always in your head), it’s hard to come back to the present. This intention and, I think more so, the energy of the anger actually helped me stay present or remember to come back to the here and now.
The hardest part about my anger — and this may be true for any negative emotion — was just the first few seconds or so, when my inner child was throwing a tantrum about not wanting to sit with this awful, scary, uncomfortable emotion. But if I did nothing about it, the tantrum subsided, and very often the emotion went with it. Even if it was still present, it was manageable, no longer scary or unbearable. I remember thinking, “Wait, this is it? The world isn’t ending?”
This doesn’t mean my exploration was pleasant or comfortable work, but I did find myself in a space to allow it and to learn about the anger and myself, as well as those around me.
Fight or flight: It’s not just about fear
Perhaps even more difficult than the anger, for me, was the guilt and shame that sometimes came after if I found myself being snippy with my husband and kids. Hubby says it’s not as horrendous as I think it is, and to an extent he’s probably right. It’s mostly my perfectionism dictating that I can’t take one step out of bounds, or even think of lifting a foot.
I’ve always had trouble forgiving myself for anything, but on this day, going all-in on my anger, I realized that I have to forgive myself in order to break through a negative emotion or thought pattern. More anger toward myself only continuously adds to the negative emotion I’m experiencing, which then overflows and permeates everything in my life.
It’s like the body’s fight or flight response. You know how biological experts say that the human body doesn’t know that a work deadline or an airplane flight or public speaking is not a lion, tiger or bear? It just feels the fear and thinks, “Oh, crap, I’m about to die; I gotta get out of here.” I think it’s similar for any negative emotion, like anger. The body doesn’t know what’s causing the anger or if it’s even a legitimate cause of anger; it just thinks, “OK, we’re doing anger now,” and it fans the flames.
The gift of grace
When I did give myself grace and reminded myself that I was doing my best, and I was trying and doing the work, then I did break the cycle of anger. The important part here was to commend myself, to acknowledge what I did well and set the intention to keep learning and growing. If we can’t honor and celebrate our achievements, then what’s the point? Why would we be motivated to keep going? As humans, we naturally need positive reinforcement to inspire us.
Finally, the day after exploring my anger, I felt lighter. I had more insight into myself, and I was surprised to feel excited to try it in other areas. Plus, I randomly heard Alanis Morissette’s “You Learn” three times that afternoon, so I’m obviously on the right track.
I really hope this helps or plants a seed. If you don’t feel ready for this, don’t push yourself. You’ll know. If you’re dealing with depression, anxiety, or current or past trauma, please don’t do this work alone. Find a therapist who resonates with you; not just in terms of goals and strategies, but also with your personality.
If you have any reflections or insights of your own that you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear (and learn) from you too!