‘The devil doesn’t bargain’

The devil, for me, is no human; nor an idol of moral evil. The devil, for me, is depression — a merciless, unrelenting, subliminal whisper, perverting and subverting every thought and every action. “You can’t do enough; you can’t be enough; you are not enough,” it coos.

Self-help influencers, spiritual teachers and motivational speakers promise choice: Focus on the positive and go with the flow, or focus on the negative and suffer.

Maybe, for some, it is as easy as that: choose to stop, to start, to leave, or whatever the choice may be in order to live a better life. But where do you go when the devil is in your mind? How do you escape incessant tongue-lashings, bitter condemnation and condescending scorn? How do you survive under the weight of unreasonable and impossible standards? What do you do when no one — not even the scientists or medical doctors — can tell you exactly what causes chronic depression, or offer an irrefutable remedy?

“Just change your mind,” some say. “Focus on the positive,” others advise. “Take this medication,” most offer. If it were that easy, I would have made that choice long ago. I would have chosen to not suffer a lifetime of depression and anxiety, punctuated with anorexia nervosa and marked throughout by high sensitivity. I would flip that switch if I could; if it existed. Wouldn’t we all? If it were that easy to turn off fear, grief, rage, or any difficult emotion or negative belief we struggle with, our world would look much different today.

Have I been searching in all the wrong places?

I was struck hard one afternoon with the realization that I’ve been looking up to and looking for answers from so many teachers, guides and experts who tout positive psychology, letting go and accepting what is, and many other healing ideologies. But have any of them lived with major, persistent depression and pervasive anxiety?

I scoured Google for the famous mentors I knew of, and followed the trail to some I didn’t, scanning their bios for a description of lifelong emotional hardship. I found none. Most were burdened with depression, grief and/or trauma at some point, but it was laid upon what appeared to be strong foundational years, buttressed by their innate mental fortitude, self-confidence and general optimism.

I am in no way saying that their experiences were any less meaningful or painful. However, I do believe there is a significant distinction to be made between these two internal life paths: one characterized from its formative stages by rocky, brush-filled, winding trails and hills; and the other made up of fairly straight and level footing that provided time and space to prepare for, understand and navigate future hardships.

And, yet, I still find myself drawn to their beliefs about life and the workings of this world — and to their promises of the possibility for an existence filled with joy, tranquility and an inner inextinguishable love.

I can say, from my experience, there is hope

I know this is beginning to sound fatalistic. But, from my experience in living with chronic, major depression and generalized anxiety for as long as I can possibly remember, I can honestly and confidently tell you that there’s hope.

Looking back on my adolescent years through my 20s and even early 30s, I’m not sure I went a full day without feeling a sense of hopelessness, worry or dread. Since finding the right therapist for me; opening the locked vaults on those dark, scary places in my mind; learning about, accepting and slowly healing what I found there; and building a repository of strategies to cope, sooth, repair and rebuild; I now have days, weeks or even months when I feel content, confident and tenacious. I can flow with the everyday joys and trials of life. I can receive love and give love. I can be unabashedly me without fear or constraint. The lows are still arduous. Sometimes, they’re few and far between; and sometimes they’re more frequent and enduring (especially in the winter months). Now, though, there’s an underlying knowing I never had before: I can and will get through it, and I don’t have to do it perfectly.

I don’t know if there will ever be a time in my life when some expert comes out and says, “This is what causes severe, chronic depression and anxiety, and this is how to fix it.” For now, I rely on courage and curiosity (and my therapist) to learn about every nook and cranny in my conscious and subconscious mind. I search for and try a variety of strategies — from meditation and breathing techniques to energy healing and spiritual rituals (like writing down what I wish to let go of and then burning it in the fire pit outside, or the wood stove in the basement). Even venturing to share my experiences, my lessons and myself in these letters to you is healing.

And sometimes the best thing, the only thing, I can do to get through the worst and to find the ground from where I can breathe and see and reconnect with my resolve, is to not bargain with the devil. I tune it out, I curse it out, whatever I have to do to show it that I’m not listening to — I will not heed — it’s futile vitriol.

If you need help now

Please, if you or someone you know needs help getting through a mental health crisis right now, call, text or chat the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. If you live in a country other than the U.S., here’s a link to a chart of other nations’ support networks: https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/11181469.