I have said before that my goal in writing to you is simply to share my experience in hopes that it helps someone else, anyone else, feel less alone and, perhaps, inspired. If I’m going to do that honestly and authentically, I can’t sugarcoat life. So, I’m here to tell you today, right in this moment, that I am angry. My heart is on fire with anger at the world, at the universe, at life.
I’ve read, watched and listened to article after book after video after podcast about self-growth, self-acceptance, spirituality, and our purpose here on earth. They all whittle down to unconditional love and acceptance of our human experience, both light and dark, both challenging and carefree, both mundane and exquisite. I’ve tried them all. I’ve had spans of free-flowing existence, but, you all, this is not easy. And I am stuck.
A lot — I think, most — of the spiritual teachers, life coaches and influencers make it seem so easy. Just change your mindset, stop listening to and believing the spinning negative thoughts, try this technique, try this practice, meditate, do yoga — all you have to do is love yourself, flaws and all. Well, OK, but it’s not that simple, and I think many people forget that part. They graze very lightly over the hardships and the moment-to-moment excruciation that it took to get there. Instead, they focus on the general space of equanimity they spend a good chunk of their time in now — also forgetting that the struggle is never over and there’s always a moment-to-moment choice and challenge in maintaining that space, especially for anyone working through depression and anxiety. (If you don’t have one, find yourself a good therapist to guide you through that.) And it sounds amazing! But then you try it. You might get the blink of an eye, five minutes, half a day or even a week. Alas, you always come back down, and that’s what most of the influencers we look to for advice and direction leave out.
I watched this reel on Instagram today, and it makes a great point, but what the hell does it even mean “to find joy with a challenge; to find happiness within the process, the process of being alive.” That sounds wonderful, but it’s a paradox of opposing energies, and it just doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve tried it all, and I keep coming back to anger and suffering and wanting life to be different. If you’re into the Enneagram, I weigh heavily in the 1 zone: I want idealism, beauty, love, perfection, ethical equity for every being, for all of us. I struggle so incredibly hard to sit with and allow our world as it is; and, of course, that is exactly what this work is trying to instill within me.
I can’t be sure I’ll ever find steady relief from this. Logically, I understand that life is not all rainbows, unicorns and ice cream (I’ve gotten quite upset about that last one). But I still have not been able to fully accept it in my heart and soul, to experience the pain without the suffering and the resistance, except for very brief spaces of time. So, I guess that’s where I am today. Maybe this is my lesson that will keep coming up until I “get it,” through and through.
Kute Blackson writes in his book “The Magic of Surrender: Finding the Courage to Let Go,”:
Surrender the idea that you can make a mistake. You can’t make a mistake. You. Can’t. Make. A. Mistake. Enlightenment is really freedom, the freedom to be who you truly are. It’s not some woo-woo experience on a mountaintop. It is realizing you cannot miss your destiny if you tried. And living each moment as it comes, with awareness and acceptance. … Surrender is knowing that wherever life leads you, there is a reason, you are ready, and life will back you up.
— Kute Blackson, Chapter One, How to Get Out of Your Own Way, pages 39-41
I’m not sure if this is what he meant by his words, but I suppose it’s finally time that I just accept and allow my anger without letting my thoughts spin around it; to acknowledge it to myself, to you, to those around me; to just be in it without thinking or strategizing or hoping.
So, here I am. I am feeling furious, resentful and inflamed. That’s it. I have no way out right now. I’m going in, all-in, down past the tumultuous waves into the dark, raging current. The most I can offer to you is that if you’re feeling this way, you are not alone; I’m right here with you. And I’ll let you know how it goes. [Some time passes] I was pulled away before I could publish this post and have been jotting down notes about my discoveries, so I know I’ll have some insights for you soon.
UPDATE (7-30-22)! Read or watch “Discoveries under the dark waters of anger” for my exploratory insights into this tough emotion.