“You should …”
Those are two fear-inducing words, right? Whatever follows them—or their equally evil compatriots, “You shouldn’t,” is certain to set you up for shame.
Whenever someone tells you (or you tell yourself) that you should or shouldn’t do something, do you cringe inside? Do you feel inherently bad—just utterly wrong?
Those words have become somewhat of a golden rule that no one could ever meet. We contort ourselves, beat ourselves down and prostrate ourselves to appease “should” or “shouldn’t,” but what would happen if we stood up to them?
We’d discover that they’re just facades—shell companies devoid of any true substance or fruition.
“Should” showed up a lot for me over the final week of 2022. The kids were on break from school, I had time off from work, the house was (OK, still is) a mess from Christmas, and my mind was a mess of what I “should” do, what I didn’t feel like doing and who I wish I were. I should clean the house. I should purchase my books for the spring semester of grad school. I should entertain the kids. I should be able to relax for a day without feeling guilty. Notice how, with that statement, I’m damed if I do; damed if I don’t.
The day before New Year’s Eve 2022, I slowly slipped into depression. I couldn’t put my finger on why. In the past, the New Year holiday has, for me, been one of sadness, fear and hopelessness: over another year that left me behind where I wanted to be; over another year older and farther from, “You have your whole life ahead of you”; and over another year at a loss for where I was going. But this year was ending on a different note.
I finally feel that I’m living out my purpose as an equine specialist in mental health, working with horses and helping others navigate their mental and emotional life challenges. I was looking forward to the new year, so I was surprised and confused as I faded into despair. I did my best to not beat myself up or allow the gravitational pull of negative thoughts and fears to drag me into a downward spiral. I awoke on New Year’s Day to see it clearly: “should.”
When you really look at it, one “should” seems to contradict another. I can never beat that game to achieve some final victory. So, maybe I should clean my house. Maybe I should purchase my school books. Maybe I shouldn’t be lazy all day and do nothing. What if I don’t? What if I do? Am I less valuable or lovable? Am I less able to show my children the love and support they need to grow into healthy, stable adults? Does the world come crashing down around me?
No.
Hence, why I believe “should” (or “shouldn’t”) is the dirtiest word in the English language: *the dirtiest word in the English language of the American culture.
Really, everything I do, think or say is a product of my own past experiences. All together, they form my current understanding of the world, of life. That understanding translates as, “This is how the world should be.” But, the world just is. “Should” or “shouldn’t” blind us to the reality that there is no “should.” There are infinite possibilities of “should be,” because it will be different for each of us at any given moment. But there’s only one possibility for “what is” in each moment.
I’m not one to establish resolutions for the new year. I think they set us up for failure and more hardship. But, if I were to give myself a goal for this coming year, it would be to remove “should” from my personal dictionary. Who’s with me? Anyone else want to revolt and rise against the “should”?