I’d resigned myself to the idea that it wasn’t possible. No matter what anyone else said, inner peace couldn’t be real. It could not exist. If it did, that would mean there was something wrong with me. I had tried every strategy, philosophy and technique I could find. One might uplift me for a short while, but I inevitably slipped back into my deep, dark pit. Buddhism and meditation have offered me the most support, but still I couldn’t find that lasting serenity. Perhaps this was the burden I was meant to carry: I would struggle with depression for life.
Then, I discovered that inner peace is possible, and it’s not about a specific practice, technique or affirmation. For me, it was two key insights that finally unlocked my healing. With these keys, I can find comfort in any practice, technique or affirmation that resonates with me during rougher periods. And I believe that with awareness, practice and time, I will no longer need to find solace in the words of others, because that equanimity will grow to be a part of who I am. I will always be able to find it within. Maybe these two keys can help unlock your own healing.
Key No. 1: Get pissed!
I mean, viscerally, thoroughly, at-the-cell-level enraged. It’s not about screaming at the person who cut you off on the highway or the one who drives you crazy at work. This anger is meant only for the voice in your head that has been judging you, putting you down, kicking you when you’re down, and holding you down. Call it the superego, the dictator or just the d*ck; whatever works for you, as long as it bellows that fiery rage inside.
Where did this voice come from? For me, I think it stems from my highly sensitive nature. In my youth, I decided the only way to be safe from emotional pain was to see it coming so I could then ward it off. In order to do that, I had to internalize every word said to me, every facial expression witnessed and every action directed at me. I had to hone in on all the negative ones, learn and categorize their provocations, and then stand guard in the presence of any other person. Positive experiences and possibilities were exiled because I had to use all of my energy for protection. Then, the fog crept in. There was just too much to scour, organize and fend off alone.
It wasn’t until years later, after much therapist-hopping and self-help failures, vacillating from dark pit to solid ground and back again, that I finally got pissed — when I finally screamed, “Enough!” There would be no more debating, rationalizing or coaxing this bitter internal judge. I essentially told that vile voice to shut up and sit down. And it worked. I felt lighter, more clear-headed and hopeful.
But there is a second element to this exasperation, and it’s an essential partner.
Key No. 2: Unconditional self-kindness
I was not miraculously healed after finding my rebellious rage. I wasn’t walking around with the serenity and knowing of Buddha. I found myself in the pit again, but it was different. I didn’t fall quite as far, and I knew I would find my way out. This, in itself, offered enough calm to endure the climb, to get to that berm where once again I was ready to scream, “Enough!”
I noticed that the periods between falls grew longer. The dark stays grew shorter and easier to manage. What I found most helpful in this wavering time was unconditional kindness for myself. I acknowledged my hard work and positive intent. I embraced my human nature and its need for time to learn, assess and implement (repeat) until reaching a new level of self-understanding.
This kindness shows up for me as a counteracting voice of validation, support and motivation when that biting critic tries to nitpick again. It’s a voice of warmth, solace and mentorship that brings me back to a balanced realism; not nihilism, nor a Polly-Anna denial.
I think everyone has to find their own way to healing. It differs for each of us based on our life experiences and the lenses through which we see those experiences. But my intuition tells me that for those who have been fighting for years against their inner critic, what might be missing is that white-hot rage against the persecutor and that nurturing self-kindness.
In the service of serenity
Here’s the thing, though. That critic is not going to lie down and binge-watch Netflix while eating Doritos. It’s not going to walk away or move to the tropics and leave you be. Initially, after a period of quietude, mine came back stronger. It blind-sided me. I had to finesse my awareness. I had to turn “Enough!” into “F*ck you!” And, I had to turn to that reassuring voice reminding me that I’m doing my best. I had to point out to myself the evidence of how I’ve learned and grown. Berating myself has not worked in the last 39 years, so why would it help now?
In the midst of this, I became quiet and clear-minded enough to have this experience. Now, I can see my critic for what it is. It doesn’t hold the power over me that it once did. Many days, I can even laugh at it, shake my head and move on. Some days I struggle to separate myself from its whispers and sneers. But I always return to that kind voice, and I remember the critic is just a once-protective, now unnecessary, and even harmful, cynical nuisance that serves no other purpose than to drive me into the ground.
I do not need to be perfect. I cannot be perfect. Like any other human, I’m doing the best that I can at my current level of self-awareness and adeptness. I, too, deserve the love and grace that cultivates the true me — the one who can go with the flow, whether I’m feeling happy or sad. The one who’s at peace with life.
Trust me; when you come to know this, you don’t need validation from anyone else. You just have to get pissed enough to get there.