Finding yourself is not a glowing-ember sunset over calm waters, a cool breeze lulling the heat of a summer’s day. It isn’t a happy, peaceful ending. It’s not even the end.
But it is breathtaking.
Finding yourself is not any one point in time. Years may pass before you even realize you’re on this endless expedition. Walking unaware in a dark forest, your hand is always on someone else’s shoulder, treading in everyone else’s footsteps because they seem to know the way. Following their lead is the only way to move through life because that’s all you’ve ever known to exist.
Then, a flint-spark of awareness strikes the torch that shines light on the reality surrounding you: Everyone is just as trapped and scared in the darkness, a hand on someone else’s shoulder, walking in everyone else’s footsteps, circling and serpentining around the same trees, boulders and caves — around each other. No one questions this aimlessness. No one even sees it.
Yet, in the distance, you catch the glimmers of other torches, like fireflies dancing amongst the trees. Their circles and zig-zags are expansive, floating in all directions; but most importantly, they’re moving past all the stagnant pockets of aimlessness.
Inspired, curious, excited, you take a step toward a glimmer but then stop. The mossy forest floor hides the safe steps. Your torch scatters the darkness only so far in front of you. Looking around, you see the beliefs, rules and experiences you are most familiar with — everything you’ve ever known. Even the painful parts, you know. Out there? You know nothing.
You hesitate longer. The torch dims to black, and you tell yourself it wasn’t possible anyway. Placing your hand on the nearest shoulder, head down, you settle back into the familiar darkness.
Time passes, another flint-spark, and again the torch illuminates the possibilities of something different, a new way. Looking around, you decide that no matter what, you won’t be able to thrive in this spiral of suffering. One step into the orb of the torch light. Nothing happens. You look up, though, to see that the other torches have expanded ever so slightly, and so has yours. It’s a little quieter and calmer. You hear a faint whisper; it’s soothing and soft, but powerful. You follow it, taking one more step.
A sudden jolt, then confusion. You look around to see nothing but blackness again. Unsure of how, you find yourself back where you started, in the dark, surrounded by the old, familiar experiences, beliefs and rules. It’s excruciating, because now you’ve felt the vastness of possibility. In that brief moment of calm quiet, you felt freer, joyful, confident, grounded. You knew that all you needed was your torch, and you would find your way.
But, now, you can’t figure out how to relight the torch. You see and feel yourself getting caught up in the old ways but can’t remember how to break free. You don’t know when, or if, you’ll find a way to ignite that torch again.
Then, you hear the comforting whisper, and with faith and determination, you follow it.
The torch ignites, and with a knowing smile, you start again on your journey away from suffering and into truth.
This story plays out time and again, but each time it’s different, like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. Each excursion lasts longer, and you learn something new about yourself and the world around you. Your torch gets brighter and reveals more.
The times you find yourself in darkness are fewer and shorter. And even those are different. It’s not quite as dark, nor as scary. You see the truth of it, and it becomes only a reminder, a motivator. You simply observe, learn, listen. You’re stronger now. The darkness can’t hold you back anymore. You know you can keep going; you know some of the way by heart already.
This is finding yourself.